it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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