Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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