After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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