her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
