I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
