Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
