I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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