K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
