i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
