I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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