i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
