i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
