Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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