And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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