i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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