Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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