sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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