Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
