At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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