My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
