its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize