There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
