i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize