Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
