oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
