So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
