you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
