Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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