dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
