i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
