plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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