I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
