i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
