As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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