update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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