Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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