sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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