Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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