Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
