I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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