Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So apparently I’m into choking now
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