would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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