It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
