Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
