I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
