I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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