I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
