I met the friendliest cop last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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