from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
