there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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