I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We need to get me chipped asap
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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