i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
