Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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