So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
