hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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