I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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