I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
