I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
